I spent quite some time yesterday writing a new post only to not post it in the end. I struggle between wanting to be transparent and wanting to guard my heart. In a way guarding my heart is actually what the post was about, but hopefully I can write about it while still doing it. I'll try anyway.

One of the things I've been contemplating for awhile has to do with what kind of walls one chooses to put up in their lives. Okay, I'm the particular one in this case who I've been contemplating this about. (I bet you never would have guessed!) I hope this makes sense without getting into a lot of detail, but people are disappointing. This should be no surprise. We are sinful by nature and there is not a person in this world who is not going to, at some time, let some one else down. The fact is, I'm sure I've let people I care about down and I know I've been hurt deeper than I'd really like to admit by people I cared about. But now I am at a crossroads.

For the past couple of years, I've let those walls grow. I'm comfortable with those walls. I don't really want to let people in too far and I control exactly how far they are allowed in my life. I like it just how it is and it is very controlled. The thing is, I believe in Biblical community. I believe in serving and being "in it together" with my sisters and brothers in Christ and I know I can't really be a part of it all if I don't let down some of my walls. I also think about how sometimes the greatest joys in life require risk. Do I want to be a person who is complacent because I am not willing to take the risk to love deeply enough? Theoretically, I want to be the person who says "I know I will probably get hurt, but I am going to keep putting myself out there to live to the fullest every moment God blesses me with and I know that my life is so enriched by the people I let in it." Theoretically, I want to be the type who gets back up and knocks the dust off when I fall down and get hurt and gets right back in the game. Theoretically...
In reality, I covet the control (or perceived control) and the safety of my walls. Resentments of past hurts threaten to fortify those walls unless God mercifully takes them away. I have been praying on this and God is working on me, but I'm definitely not there yet. In reality, I probably have a decision to make because I know that sometimes the attitude changes only after you change the behavior. I tend to want to desire to do something before I do it, but that's often not how it works. Sometimes a person just has to jump in and "do it anyway" (obedience) before the "want to" (reward) comes in to play. There is a decision to be made. But for now, I am comfortable. I am happy. I am content. Why rock the boat?
Wow, hope this wasn't too deep. It's just been on my mind. Have a good night.