Background Info

There's something that has been on my mind since starting this blog and I really want to address it so anyone reading can know where I am coming from. I have read through different blogs of amazing people who have/had very significant amounts of weight to lose. Their stories are amazing. Their honesty and determination is overwhelming and it is neat to get to be a cheerleader from the sidelines as these individuals work their ways towards a healthier life. I am just an average person. While I do not have a perfect body by any stretch of the imagination, I also know I don't have a large amount of weight to lose. When reading these other blogs, I start to wonder if people are wondering if this is just a shallow attempt at ...something on my part. I don't have many of the hurdles to cross that others do and I know there are some out there who would trade places with me in a heartbeat if given the chance.

So I just want to reiterate that this is only my journey. And it is significant to me. Many of you who are in my life now may not know that I suffered from an eating disorder (among other things) as a teenager. I was anorexic and bulemic. At one point, I got down to a size 0 and couldn't have been happier with the number. It was a self esteem issue, as well as a control issue. Much drama took place over the course of many years, but by my senior year in high school, I began eating normally again and in college, I thought I could eat like my boyfriend and gained a little more weight than would be good (those darn college years!) After I got engaged, I lost 30 pounds before my wedding and was a very healthy and comfortable weight to begin my new life as a wife. I immediately got pregnant, gained 45 pounds, but then went back to unhealthy eating habits and lost 60 after Tay was born, putting me back down to an unhealthy weight (which I enjoyed). Baby #2 I gained my 40 lbs, but lost them again right away. It was with numbers 3 and 4 when I gained my 40 pounds that it didn't all come off. And really- it has been okay. I have been okay with my size (though I'll admit the dimples here and there are a little less than endearing) and have been grateful that this is as big as I have gotten for as undisciplined as I can get.

The thing is that I go in extremes. It is not difficult for me to starve myself. The first few days may be tough, but once I get into that mental state, it is really pretty easy. And it is not difficult to eat whatever I want and thoroughly enjoy food for all it has to offer. What is difficult for me is balance and health. With the nutrition plan I am on now, I have to eat a little bit - alot. Any idea how hard that is? I would really rather not eat than to have to have just a little nibble of something (like a yogurt) every 2-3 hours. Any guesses why my metabolism is so messed up?

The other aspect to all of this is that I am a mom. 3 of my kids are girls and I so desparately want them (and Blake too) to feel good about their bodies and to be healthy. In the past several years, I have just refused to let myself participate in unhealthy eating habits (concerning anorexia or bulemia). Being a parent really can cure some things. My kids will see me eat - regularly. But learning to have the balance of fitness and proper nutrition has been tough. Partly because I hate exercise to be honest and I like yummy food. But just developing and keeping good habits is difficult.

As I started this challenge, even though I would like to lose some weight, I've tried to keep my focus on getting fit and healthy. Over and over, I have told Taylor (my 8 yr old) that my goal is to be fit, not to lose weight. I know that I have an average build and I don't want her to think that I am ashamed of it. If she ends up with an average build, I want her to still feel good about it and not obsess about it. She was with me as I was trying on some workout pants and I tried on a pair that was a just little tight in my rear, but they are the ones I chose because I figured they would fit great in a few more weeks. When I explained that, she said "Ah hah! So you do want to lose weight!." How do I explain that yes, I would like to lose weight so I am at my best and feel my best about myself but that I am also ok how I am. When I just focus on the fitness and health aspect of it, I can skirt the issue. But when asked point blank, I become unsure of how to navigate this.

The other part is that as Dan lifts weights regularly and I am now doing this challenge, we are both having to pay a great deal of attention to what we are putting in our bodies. I need so many proteins and so many carbs each day (though I don't count calories or fat) and Dan pays attention to calories and protein. Between us, we are constantly reading labels and writing stuff down. This is to ensure the balance of foods we are looking for and as we are both (me more than Dan) newer at eating this way, we really have to pay attention. But I am very uneasy about the fact that the kids are also paying attention to what we are dooing. I cringe when Taylor or Blake pick up something and read how many calories are in it. Daily, Dan and I are explaining that calories = energy and as long as they stay active and do not eat a ton of junk, it doesn't matter how many calories are in something. It is so important to me to impress on them the fact that we are eating and eating plenty but that we just have to pay attention to these things so we make sure that we are eating healthily. (But that we ARE eating!!) I really fear for my girls. Dan and I are trying to be healthy. I'm trying to find some balance. I'm trying to do it right. But I constantly fear that we send the wrong messages.

So one foot in front of the other I go. I guess I take it as it comes and that is part of the journey. But I know I can't let Satan have his way with my mind telling me I'm a fool for writing about this and that I have nothing significant to share. I know that everyone out there has their own story. Some may be jucier than others but they are all important. I really hope that reading my random thoughts will somehow let someone else know that they have their own story to live and that it is important.

MJ